Story of my Mae Flower
warning-- very long and very briefly and poorly edited
Here I am, finally telling my story. It has taken me a while to write this down
for a number of reasons. One being that
I have 4 month (now 5, geez its taken me a long time to finish this!) old baby
that likes to be held and two, it has taken me a while to see my experience as
something that I wanted to share. I
often get asked, how it went and if I would go natural again. So in order to attempt to answer the first question,
I thought I would write it out. And to
answer the second, I would absolutely do it again the same way! I also want to share because I wholeheartedly
believe that we as women were created to bear our children and birth them
naturally and regardless of how your story goes, life is born and that to me is
beautiful! However, somewhere along the
way, our society has made birth and pregnancy out to be a medical condition or
illness that must be treated with medication.
Therefore, I am sharing so that others may eventually see birth as beautiful
as well. With that said, everyone has
their own story I absolutely believe that there are times and situations for
medical intervention and I hope that I never come off as judgmental or in a way
that says that because of medical intervention, your birth was any less
legitimate or beautiful.
After 10 days of waiting past her due date and trying many
things to get labor going, I woke up on September 10th at 8 am to
contractions that felt nothing like any Braxton hicks contractions that I had
prior. The morning had a peace and freshness about it that I had not seen in a
while, so I got up to enjoy some time alone and make some banana snack cake
that I had found on a recipe blog the day before. After about 2 hours of mild contractions that
were about 10 minutes apart and some building excitement, I decided to wake
Matt up and tell him what was going on but not to get too excited because it
could still be another 36 hours before we would have our baby in our arms. After breakfast and walk, we decided that
this was probably “the” day and called our doula, midwife and parents. By 1:00 contractions had gotten closer
together and were beginning to take more of my attention but still nothing too
serious. In the previous appointments
with our midwives, I was reminded to prepare myself for a 36 hour labor and to
try my hardest to keep my mind off of labor until it had progressed into
active. So in my attempt to do this, I
took a shower, tried to relax, nap and prepare my mind for what was ahead. At this point I was still very excited that
there was an end in sight and that I would be able to see my baby soon. Matt was busy getting himself ready,
communicating with all who needed communication and attempting to rest and
encourage me. By about 4 (actually by
this point I have no idea what time it was and pretty much lost all track of
time until it was over) contractions were pretty intense and about 5-7 minutes
apart. Matt was wonderful at helping me
through each contraction and praying over me and our sweet baby but when our
doula (Miriam) arrived around 5:30 or 6, a much needed peace and relief filled
the room with perfect timing. She was
able to help Matt to help me work through each contraction. I highly recommend hiring a doula or having
someone with you that their only role is to be with you through each
contraction. At this point, I felt
pretty good about how I was breathing and working through the contractions and
I was able to somewhat rest in between.
By about 8:00, we decided to pack up and meet our midwife at the birth
center and by “we,” I mean Matt and Miriam gathered everything and helped me to
the car. I was a little afraid of how
the car ride would go but we made it. When
we arrived, our midwife checked me and found that I was only 5 cm dilated,
slightly disappointing but I was positive that I would not be leaving that
birth center until I had a baby in hand!
The rest of the story would probably be best told by someone else
because it’s a little foggy and I will probably miss most of the details but I
will do my best. The only way I can
describe myself from this point forward is that there were 2 of me, one that
was my normal self and the other, a laboring wild woman (seriously, no exaggeration). I labored on the bed for a little while and
was finally able to get into the tub.
The relief that this brought was unbelievable; however, it only worked
up until a certain point. Not sure if I
splashed and hit people while I was in the tub this time or the next but it
happened. I wanted to be in control of
each contraction and was able to up until a certain point of the contraction
when I lost all control. I remember
saying and doing things that my normal self would never do but I was unable to
react in any other way. I now look back
and see that I was putting all of my effort into screaming when I could have
been using it to work through the contractions.
I couldn’t seem to get on top of each contraction. I really felt out of control and crazy. We moved to the birthing stool, tried
standing up, leaning on Matt and into the tub again. Matt literally took a beating (like, the pain
was so intense that I needed to hit something and he happened to be it) and was
incredible through all of it. Not once
did he complain or stop encouraging and speaking blessings over me. Not in any way the same, but partners really
go through their own very intense experience as well. Somewhere
in there they broke my water and our second midwife arrived. Once my water was broken, I dilated from 7 to
9 cm (I think?). After and during each
contraction, baby continued to have a perfect heart rate, not phased by
anything. I finally ended up on the bed,
on my back (not at all what I expected, actually the very place I thought I
would NOT be). No position or place made
the contractions any more or less bearable.
Pain was so intense, I was so exhausted and I truly believed that I
would not be able to do it and told everyone that they were going to have to
pull the baby out of me. Despite the
amazing words that were being spoken over me, I was completely irrational to
anything and everything. Finally, one of
our midwives got in my face and told me that she knew that I thought that I
couldn’t do it but that I needed to believe that everyone else knew and believed
that I was created for this moment and that I could do it. For some reason, at that point, I was finally
able to get ahold of myself, flow with the contractions and push. Pushing was hard but felt better because I
felt like I was doing something and knew that relief was coming. If you have never pushed a baby out, it’s
kind of a difficult thing to grasp. When
she crowned, I was excited to hear that she had hair but when asked if I wanted
to touch her head, I was way to concentrated on contractions and pushing that I
forcefully declined. It felt amazing to
hear everyone’s joy when they saw the baby moving but was a little
disheartening when I pushed and there was no progress or cheering. I remember matt speaking peace and grace
over us and him saying “oh my gosh this is amazing, oh my gosh, oh my gosh..” Huge relief came over me when our midwife
told matt to move into position to grab his baby. At this point, I was empowered and knew if I
could concentrate and push harder than I had before, she would be out with one more
push. She came out like a little fish,
into her papa’s hands and onto my chest.
I have never been more relieved and filled with immediate joy in my life. oh...indescribable joy.. After a couple minutes of pure sweetness and
birthing the placenta our midwives decided that I was losing more blood than
they would like due to the membranes still being attached inside of me;
however, they were able to quickly take care of it without any
complications. I really don’t know how
this would have been handled in a hospital but I have am pretty sure it would
have been a very different story. I
cannot explain to you how thankful I am for our amazing birthing team! Each woman is incredible and was there for a
very specific and special purpose.
As crazy and out of control that I felt, everything was amazing. The birth center, the midwives, doula, comfortable bed, warm tub, amazing gentle care, EVERYTHING.
My labor and the way that everything has played out since then,
is not at all what I anticipated.
Everything that I thought would be easy has been pretty difficult,
everything I thought I would not do, I have done and most things that I have
judged people for, I have done also. For
this, I am thankful, not that I have enjoyed every bit of it; but, I am thankful
that God took me from pride to a place of understanding and compassion for
mothers that have these experiences.
It’s taken me a while to get here but I can now say that I am proud of
myself! I did it! and it still blows my
mind what our bodies are capable of.
I am more thankful than I can adequately explain. I could not have made it through pregnancy,
labor and these past 5 months without the amazing support that we have in our
life. I’m feeling cliché as I write but
seriously the whole experience has been incredible because of our family,
friends and midwives. It really takes a
village. We have been unexpectedly
blessed by so many people and I will never be able to adequately explain how
much it has meant. I could go on.
